Endometriosis Stage IV

Endometriosis is painful eruptions
like so many little earthquakes
deep under my skin.

it is a condition
where the cells of the
endometrial uterine lining
take off, spread and grow-they
go party

in other places of my body.
but not where they belong.
not at all.

its not just another period.
its more like just another
nuclear meltdown-
as I sit here fused
to my heating pad.

this morning i could not
prevent the moaning and groaning
the deep aching in my belly, my breasts, my groin
and my back.

it was time for another pain pill
and a muscle relaxer too.
my hubby was so concerned
but its like this every month.

my body & i
engaged in a fight to the death.

the worst part of this illness
perhaps is that it is invisible.
no one can see the reason for your pain.

although sometimes things like
fibroids and ovarian cysts
do appear in an ultrasound.

when it hurts like this-
all i can really do is stay in bed
and gasp, shout and cry.

I don't know why or how,
I even developed this disease
or how to fix it.

Doctors mumbo jumbo
about removing my lady bits
like a hysterectomy
is some sort of simple bandage.

And I refuse to do that.
At age 40 I know menopause
will be knocking down my door
soon enough anyway.

And infertility breaks my heart,
entirely.
I'm not completely ready
to throw in that towel
and give up on my dreams
of motherhood indefinitely.

I am just not ready.
but each month the pain
it swallows me whole

like a snake devouring
a small gray mouse.

i am the mouse.
i am the mouse. I AM THE MOUSE.
this pain, is beyond
normal description.

it is almost unbearable.
but that is my lot.
my burden to bear.
an invisible disease
an illness misunderstood.

with no one to share.
with no one to share
the beast of my burden
except

a little gray mouse
in the mouth
of a python.