Endometriosis Stage IV

Endometriosis is painful eruptions
like so many little earthquakes
deep under my skin.

it is a condition
where the cells of the
endometrial uterine lining
take off, spread and grow-they
go party

in other places of my body.
but not where they belong.
not at all.

its not just another period.
its more like just another
nuclear meltdown-
as I sit here fused
to my heating pad.

this morning i could not
prevent the moaning and groaning
the deep aching in my belly, my breasts, my groin
and my back.

it was time for another pain pill
and a muscle relaxer too.
my hubby was so concerned
but its like this every month.

my body & i
engaged in a fight to the death.

the worst part of this illness
perhaps is that it is invisible.
no one can see the reason for your pain.

although sometimes things like
fibroids and ovarian cysts
do appear in an ultrasound.

when it hurts like this-
all i can really do is stay in bed
and gasp, shout and cry.

I don't know why or how,
I even developed this disease
or how to fix it.

Doctors mumbo jumbo
about removing my lady bits
like a hysterectomy
is some sort of simple bandage.

And I refuse to do that.
At age 40 I know menopause
will be knocking down my door
soon enough anyway.

And infertility breaks my heart,
entirely.
I'm not completely ready
to throw in that towel
and give up on my dreams
of motherhood indefinitely.

I am just not ready.
but each month the pain
it swallows me whole

like a snake devouring
a small gray mouse.

i am the mouse.
i am the mouse. I AM THE MOUSE.
this pain, is beyond
normal description.

it is almost unbearable.
but that is my lot.
my burden to bear.
an invisible disease
an illness misunderstood.

with no one to share.
with no one to share
the beast of my burden
except

a little gray mouse
in the mouth
of a python.

Life is messy too; not just artwork by Emily Sturgill

Life is messy too.

Not just Artwork, self-expression, painting, drawing,sculpture, photography...

writing for example is another messy art;

thinking of things like:

libel,copyrights,slander,plagiarists, tabloid-journalists,badly written poetry,poorly written novels.....writers block.

But Life, on the other hand is frequently a different landscape,

altogether, a big terrain of heavily soiled tears.

disappointments, family feuds, emotional problems,

irrational and faulty logic,

thrown upon you,

like a fistful of sand.

then there are those persons,

who bully,cheat and lie.

Yes, as the saying goes, no one said life was easy.

or if they did, clearly they were mistaken or

simply full of shit.

no, life is a messy place.

A child's hand-prints on the door-frames,

dog-prints on the muddy kitchen floor,

lipstick on a collar,

a cat who shits outside its litter-box.

Changing an baby's dirty diaper.

house-training a puppy-dog.

Telling somebody you love them but...

you do not like living with them anymore?

How do you even do that?

I don't even know.

I passed the ball to my husband.

He is dreading the conversation he

must have with a family member later.

I would not want to bring the subject up my own self-

I'm chicken-little, I don't want to see the sky fall

down.

But Life is very messy.

if it wasn't

i doubt i would love, living half as much.