Saving some Sanity for a Rainy Day

Saving Grace,
maintaining hope..in the face of terror.
realizing much too late,
what a fool i have been.

Sometimes, you learn
somehow, somewhere along the way-
to make excuses-
for somebody else's bad behavior.

You try to justify irrational
things which do not make sense,
by placing the blame entirely on
your own shoulders.

You tell yourself, that Love-
is everything, the only thing which matters...
And that he must "love" you-
he takes care of "you".
(but really he actually control you, and everything you do, and everywhere you go.)

Saving Grace-
an abuser is always so
"sorry" he hurt you,
that he promises never again.

and you wish this to be true.
you wish it with your entire
whole and stupid eager heart.

the heart he breaks and rips apart,
with just one more angry glance.
just one more dirty angry look too many.

and a new day dawns.
you come to a realization,
that maybe it is not entirely all your
fault-perhaps he has demons of his own.

ones he refuses to run down and face.
maybe, you are not always the crazy one?
maybe, you have more resources than you think.
maybe, you have more friends and family that may help you.

maybe they can help you
to help yourself
to save some shred of sanity,
to just save some sanity for
a rainy day.

Life is messy too; not just artwork by Emily Sturgill

Life is messy too.

Not just Artwork, self-expression, painting, drawing,sculpture, photography...

writing for example is another messy art;

thinking of things like:

libel,copyrights,slander,plagiarists, tabloid-journalists,badly written poetry,poorly written novels.....writers block.

But Life, on the other hand is frequently a different landscape,

altogether, a big terrain of heavily soiled tears.

disappointments, family feuds, emotional problems,

irrational and faulty logic,

thrown upon you,

like a fistful of sand.

then there are those persons,

who bully,cheat and lie.

Yes, as the saying goes, no one said life was easy.

or if they did, clearly they were mistaken or

simply full of shit.

no, life is a messy place.

A child's hand-prints on the door-frames,

dog-prints on the muddy kitchen floor,

lipstick on a collar,

a cat who shits outside its litter-box.

Changing an baby's dirty diaper.

house-training a puppy-dog.

Telling somebody you love them but...

you do not like living with them anymore?

How do you even do that?

I don't even know.

I passed the ball to my husband.

He is dreading the conversation he

must have with a family member later.

I would not want to bring the subject up my own self-

I'm chicken-little, I don't want to see the sky fall

down.

But Life is very messy.

if it wasn't

i doubt i would love, living half as much.

tired and wore out by Emily Sturgill

Tired and wore out, wore down,

exhausted both mentally and physically-

ill both mentally and physically.

Somethings just not right

i had another panic attack

last night.

the ones where i forget

the simplistic natural art

of breathing in and out.

gasping, groaning, doing

a freak out.

I'm not sure what triggered it??/

a little bit of nothingness-

a whole lot of everything.

Just really starting to feel,

the flip side of the coin

less than ideal.

the side with the sad face,

instead of a smiley happy face.

the sorrow i keep gathered

under my bed of feathers

sorrow breeds depression

while depression breeds discontent,

resulting into an

overabundance of frustrated tears.

I am just hoping,

and praying that /

this time will be different/

please do not let things

remain unhinged.

if they do,

i will surely break again,

right down the middle,

split in half.....

my bipolar skin-case

for all the world to see

to create a mockery

of me and my crazy-train

i rode in on.

but still lingers the sparse flower,

the reddest rose, itself contains

a glimmer of hope

for me to cling onto

yet beware the thorns.

yes, beware the thorns,

beware the thorns.

they are real,

and they make us bleed.