the hidden truth

May 28, 2013 by sexinthekitchensink in Abused-wife, criminal behaviors, depression, family, finding shelter, husbands, illness, infertility, loss of a parent, love, manias, manic-depression, marriages, memoirs, men are from mars, men vs women, mental-illness, mother-in-laws, negativity, pain, parents, poem-therapy and tagged secrets, lies, trouble, abusive-men, evil, submission, dominance, ugly-truth | Permalink

the hidden truth,
is that which haunts me…
everybody thought we were the perfect happy couple…
and I? how could I explain to our friends-our loved ones-
about The Dark Times….
about the hidden Truth?
That i married a classic-type of abuser.
That my beloved husband,
who i “loved” dearly was not only less than ideal,
but i was paranoid fearful of his anger. Of his angry outbursts.
That frequently, i felt unsafe, even during lovemaking.
I was scared he may attempt to kill me.
And i do not know why.
the fear seemed irrational, like another delusion of my bipolar mind.
Until a day two weeks ago where he admitted to “fantasies”?? I’m not sure what you would call then,”ideas” or “plans”?
That if his life ever got bad enough, he would fall back on the notion
of a murder-suicide.
by the way by murder-he meant me specifically and suicide
i guess was for him-not only was this a horrifying thing to say to the one woman who loves you-
it also helped me reach the realization, i was in constant danger.

I’ve been hiding out at a battered woman’s shelter.
i finally feel safe again.
it took some skill even in getting here because i had no money and no car.
but i finally made it Saturday afternoon.

I blame myself for not leaving sooner.
but in oh-too-many ways it was easier to stay.

i am grateful now, for my infertility issues.
that saves me from a lifetime of interaction
with a husband who is crazy.

I am so very devastated-that it had to-end this way,
but it was only getting worse.  Now i am facing loved ones with the Hidden Truth.
they do not understand how hard it is to admit….you are a victim.
that somebody scares you half to death.
that this man you “loved” is merely a shadow of his true self,
the side made up of complete anger and irrational darkness.

love hurt sometimes...

It should not,
but love hurts sometimes.

and sometimes it hurts you badly,
broken,bruised and battered;
ego lying broken
shardsof glass upon a floor.

but wait, there's more...
as a domestic abuser-
they will insist to everything that
theycan to guilttrip you into staying,

Guess what?
The answer is simple..Love itself-
it should not fell like the terror of Hell.

Love itself does not control your everything,
Love may help you if it is true-
However if Loves leaves you

black and very blue,
crumpled on, a floor-
telling you everything you do/or have done,
to push your man-(or woman)-your abuser into
attacking you, verbally, physically or worse-

Then thre is a chance of domestic abuse.

If you are in that scenario, im sorry dear,
but itis'nt love,
it isactually war.

So  packed yoursef a bag,
and getthe heck out.
That's the only choice you have left

Saving some Sanity for a Rainy Day

Saving Grace,
maintaining hope..in the face of terror.
realizing much too late,
what a fool i have been.

Sometimes, you learn
somehow, somewhere along the way-
to make excuses-
for somebody else's bad behavior.

You try to justify irrational
things which do not make sense,
by placing the blame entirely on
your own shoulders.

You tell yourself, that Love-
is everything, the only thing which matters...
And that he must "love" you-
he takes care of "you".
(but really he actually control you, and everything you do, and everywhere you go.)

Saving Grace-
an abuser is always so
"sorry" he hurt you,
that he promises never again.

and you wish this to be true.
you wish it with your entire
whole and stupid eager heart.

the heart he breaks and rips apart,
with just one more angry glance.
just one more dirty angry look too many.

and a new day dawns.
you come to a realization,
that maybe it is not entirely all your
fault-perhaps he has demons of his own.

ones he refuses to run down and face.
maybe, you are not always the crazy one?
maybe, you have more resources than you think.
maybe, you have more friends and family that may help you.

maybe they can help you
to help yourself
to save some shred of sanity,
to just save some sanity for
a rainy day.

Life is messy too; not just artwork by Emily Sturgill

Life is messy too.

Not just Artwork, self-expression, painting, drawing,sculpture, photography...

writing for example is another messy art;

thinking of things like:

libel,copyrights,slander,plagiarists, tabloid-journalists,badly written poetry,poorly written novels.....writers block.

But Life, on the other hand is frequently a different landscape,

altogether, a big terrain of heavily soiled tears.

disappointments, family feuds, emotional problems,

irrational and faulty logic,

thrown upon you,

like a fistful of sand.

then there are those persons,

who bully,cheat and lie.

Yes, as the saying goes, no one said life was easy.

or if they did, clearly they were mistaken or

simply full of shit.

no, life is a messy place.

A child's hand-prints on the door-frames,

dog-prints on the muddy kitchen floor,

lipstick on a collar,

a cat who shits outside its litter-box.

Changing an baby's dirty diaper.

house-training a puppy-dog.

Telling somebody you love them but...

you do not like living with them anymore?

How do you even do that?

I don't even know.

I passed the ball to my husband.

He is dreading the conversation he

must have with a family member later.

I would not want to bring the subject up my own self-

I'm chicken-little, I don't want to see the sky fall

down.

But Life is very messy.

if it wasn't

i doubt i would love, living half as much.

tired and wore out by Emily Sturgill

Tired and wore out, wore down,

exhausted both mentally and physically-

ill both mentally and physically.

Somethings just not right

i had another panic attack

last night.

the ones where i forget

the simplistic natural art

of breathing in and out.

gasping, groaning, doing

a freak out.

I'm not sure what triggered it??/

a little bit of nothingness-

a whole lot of everything.

Just really starting to feel,

the flip side of the coin

less than ideal.

the side with the sad face,

instead of a smiley happy face.

the sorrow i keep gathered

under my bed of feathers

sorrow breeds depression

while depression breeds discontent,

resulting into an

overabundance of frustrated tears.

I am just hoping,

and praying that /

this time will be different/

please do not let things

remain unhinged.

if they do,

i will surely break again,

right down the middle,

split in half.....

my bipolar skin-case

for all the world to see

to create a mockery

of me and my crazy-train

i rode in on.

but still lingers the sparse flower,

the reddest rose, itself contains

a glimmer of hope

for me to cling onto

yet beware the thorns.

yes, beware the thorns,

beware the thorns.

they are real,

and they make us bleed.

The wolf and red riding hood by Emily Sturgill reblogged off sexinthekitchensink@wordpress.com

What happens to the girl,

when she realizes its not grandma-in her bed,

its a wolf instead.

And his teeth are scary sharp and mean,

they glisten and gleam

with anger, rage, and heartache

verging

on a natural disaster.

What should the girl do,

should she trust the wolf with its

bright pretty eyes

and his lengthy explanation-

filled with nothing but lies?

"Baby, I won't hurt you."

"Baby lets work things out..."

"Baby, this marriage is worth saving."

"When i mentioned murder-suicide in a casual way-it was because i was only joking."

"You believe me right? Folks say stuff like that all the time but never mean it..."

Yeah, well...not so much.

That was when red riding hood spied

her grandmothers shiny bare bones

in their walk-in closet.

Never trust a wolf,

right there and then she decided.

A wolf is always lying.

Nervous Nelly

Nervous Nelly by Emily Sturgill
5/18/13

Nerves of steel,
turned to jelly-what has happened to me?
The Scattered Strung out Capital
Letter "S" fell
right off my chest.

Now I have become nothing more -
nor nothing less,
than a nervous nelly,
a girl put to a test.

I wonder why I bother,
to write such dribble-drabble,
that's likely as all sorts
of hell,
to get me into trouble.

I worried what people will think or feel,
when they read what I have written.
I question myself, my sanity, and my writer's ability...

So much, is just never thought out,
I'm a bit like the faucet,
that never finishes dripping out.
I dribble,dangle, words
into something reductive.

a subtraction of emotion,
a fraction of truth, and than
what else???

The "S" fell off my chest so very long ago...
I doubt it was ever really there.
Nobody's superhero-lately,
just another crazy-lady.

One who talks too much,
and shouts crap from the roof-tops,
and cobweb corners and such
a mumbling muttering crazy old hag.

A bag of flesh and bones,
drifting upon a sea of words,
best left unspoken,

but deep inside of me,
there lies,
an utter and angry bitch

and she does and says what-ever,
when-ever, she wants too,
not much I can do to rein her in,
my bipolar drugs/meds they help,
to a bit to calm her inner storms.

yet still deep within, she's an angry bad girl.
and I am a nervous nelly.
Writing down so many secrets from
my head.

What will people say? What will they think? And how will they feel?
Is it too personal to admit,
I do go crazy from time to time.
at least i don't live there anymore.

travel ticket

Travel Ticket-originally posted on wordpress.com, sex in the kitchen sink blog-earlier today.

Travel Ticket by Emily Sturgill

Oh, the places, I will go,

just with a cup of hot, darken, black coffee,

and a single scratched up CD.

The music invokes memories.

Nothing specific, yet allows my mind the freedom-

to travel freely floating by,

on a chorus or a verse...

Time, is one thing I have plenty.

If my CD skips a beat, I just wait it out, nothing is sweating me.

The southern twang to a voice, a bluesy pitch, a melody-

something like a story-

somebody's singing crazy, good tunes, and I love

the honesty that lies in the land,

of The Blues.

A single song on repeat,

could transport me-anywhere-a story

or a fantasy or even a dream?

Pour yourself a cup of caffeine, grab a chair, and

put some music on-

come travel with me,

tickets to unknown destinations-

all paid for-

for free.

Free Promo, Artist e-book, one day only May 18, 2013 available from kindle

Hi,

If any of you downloaded my earlier version of Art before words, when it was free-around may 10-11th, 2013 and found that it did not meet your expectations, I am so sorry.However, I did make several revisions since then and now it seems to flow better.

In order to get this latest updated version for free today, please follow these steps. Log onto Amazon.com account. Click on the right hand side where you find the words "Manage my Kindle." Then select my book, "Art before words" and right click on the actions tab. There should be an option of delete this from library. I think if you make sure your kindle is on when you do that then this next step maybe unnecessary. Go to your kindle device and click on the three dots in the upper right corner, where you would click for sync and update new items. Instead of update- click on the remove option. Then it will show you a list-highlight Art before words-then click remove. It will tell you you will have to repurchase it to read it again-go ahead and delete. Then you can go to Amazon.com and re-download for free the revised copy, which is dated May 15, 2013. This is a link:  http://www.amazon.com/Art-before-words-ebook/dp/B00CNDEO7W/ref=la_B00B1GC5LY_1_2_title_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1368882725&sr=1-2

If that is too much hassle. I totally understand. Amazon.com is going to be reviewing my newer content over the next 4 weeks or so. If they deem my changes to be significant and you downloaded the earlier version, then they might contact you on updating. Unfortunately, if you did already download it earlier, I do not think that they will let you download it again-unless you delete from library or wait to see what they decide regarding my changes.

If you have yet to download it-why not give it a try? If you do not own a kindle, a tablet, a IPAD. an IPHONE, or android reading device-you can always download for free, a kindle app for your PC. Just google the phrase,"Kindle App Free for PC " there should be an amazon.com link that is free and legit to download the kindle app. I believe that there maybe one for the Mac as well, but am uncertain? I own a plain old PC-(personal computer). This is mostly just an Artist picture book of artwork I have done mostly in the late 1990's- 2006. I did throw in a couple of things from 2012-13. Not much. Art Before Words is Volume One of a 2 part series, called "Art, Art, Art!!! Before Words." Volume 2 will eventually cover art from 2006-2013. I'm not too sure when that will be coming out but I will let everybody know.

Please feel free to leave comments or reviews on this book or any of my other books by visiting my Authors page at:

www.amazon.com/author/emilysturgill

You can also leave me comments right here. Thanks!-Emily

Ongoing Free E-book Promo: "Memoirs recalled Madness:a personal account of living with manic-depressive illness."

"Memoirs Recalled madness: a personal account of living with bipolar disorder." is a personal memoir I wrote dealing with living with over two decades of mental illness. I wanted to bring some awareness to this issue. It was very private and personal to me.

Here is a book description I wrote: "This is a personal account of the Author's own struggles during her lifetime of battling manic-depressive disorder over the course of over two decades. While she writes under her own name, the names of all other persons and parties have been altered. The details of her story are true to her own perspective. However, she realizes she sees the world through the colored lens which frame her mental illness. In other words, other persons may not recount the situation quite the same way. In order to protect these individuals privacy all such names have been altered. Places, are mostly omitted because she feels her story could occur in any-town/city/state/place in America."

I published it back in the end of March, 2013. It normally retails for $9.99 but right now through May 21, 2013 at 11:59pm you can download a free copy by going to this direct link here: http://www.amazon.com/Memoirs-Recalled-Madness-ebook/dp/B00C145EOU/ref=la_B00B1GC5LY_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368903599&sr=1-3

  My personal account is roughly 83 pages long, and does contain some old family photographs and such. The names in the entire book have all been changed save my own. It is a story true to me, yet I realize I look at the world through a lens view of my mental illness. Others may have held different memories of events. I am not attempting to slander,  or upset any family or friends. Instead I just wanted to give a glimpse into what my life has been like living with a serious mental illness (or SMI.)

Bubonic Cold

I'm sure I am being overly dramatic,

but my husband was sick all last week,

and now I definitely have gotten it too...

It feels like a plague... but it's merely a Bubonic Cold.

(See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubonic_plague)

Now, I realize this is not the middle ages,

and I'm hardly at Death's door.

Yet I'm feeling hellish just the same.

All snot, all wore out,cannot care enough-

to peel myself out of my pj's.

My whole head feels like a massive implosion or explosion,

cannot decide which,

just feel horrible and sick.

ick, can you pass me another kleenex?

It does not matter actually-

I am mostly just congested,

since i took a 12 hour sudafed about 7 hours ago.

It's definitely some sort of bubonic head cold.

I have no appetite what so ever...just so hot then cold.

I have grand plans, in the scheme of things, to take a hot shower-

and then create a VAT of chicken soup-which I hope i drown in.

(not really just kidding. but cold's suck.)****damn-husband's home and insisting I try to eat real food not soup.

My husband is an excellent cook/chef/what-have-you...He is bbq-ing pork chops and making my favorite lipton mushroom rice, probably also have baked beans. (I still want soup.) But I cannot turn him down.

New one-day free-kindle promo

Starting tomorrow my latest book,"Art before words." Volume One will be free to download off Amazon.com's Kindle.This e-book is roughly 70 or so pages and contains mostly just my artwork, spanning from the mid-90's to 2006. There are paintings, both acrylic and oil, drawings, and some digital photography. I tried to release it as a free-promotion earlier-but then discovered that some of my formatting was a bit off for the kindle. I tried to iron out as much bugs as possible. The promo should start tonight at midnight.You can get it anytime between midnight may 18, 2013-11:59 pm May 18, 2013 by going to this link here: http://www.amazon.com/Art-before-words-ebook/dp/B00CNDEO7W/ref=la_B00B1GC5LY_1_2_title_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1368809821&sr=1-2

Head colds and kleenex

cloaked into,
a little chunk of sadness-
I cozy up inside my sweater.
Feeling sorta hazy,
in the midst of a fuzzy fever filled-
head cold.

So much, I wish to get done, today.
But I must rest up instead.
Curl up into my covers,
and try to simply relax.

Hate feeling a chill
deep inside, when
I reside in a warm room.

I see the sunshine-outside-
and I feel so cheated.
I am motionless
beside a cup of tea.

Free Kindle Download-ebook of poetry and artwork.

My book called,"Butterfly-Rimmed Eyeglasses and the trouble with Tuesday." is available for a very limited time as a free kindle download.
It will only be available for free until tomorrow night Sunday May 5th, 2013 at 11:59 pm. It went into a free promotional period this morning and I forgot to announce it till right now.
If you have yet to get a copy, you can download one free by going to this link here:
http://www.amazon.com/Butterfly-eyeglasses-Trouble-Tuesday-ebook/dp/B00BMSC15G/ref=la_B00B1GC5LY_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1367698480&sr=1-12

Hopefully, if you do download it you will enjoy it.
And, if you do enjoy it, please consider submitting an Author review for it on my Authors page at Amazon.com. That page is at: www.amazon.com/author/emilysturgill.